


How Freezing To Death Can Sometimes Seem Like The Better Option

by errantcomment



Category: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Harry getting his ass kicked for your reading pleasure, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:59:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/errantcomment/pseuds/errantcomment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started with the meat-locker. Sort of. But really the meat-locker didn't have much to do with it. It wanted to though, which was public-spirited of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Freezing To Death Can Sometimes Seem Like The Better Option

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meh_guh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meh_guh/gifts).



> Beta'd and Americanised by someone cooler than me.

Okay so here’s the thing. Me and Perry would have never got together if it hadn’t been for the meat-locker. We were kind of stuck and…

 

Wait, I’m telling this all wrong. Okay so yeah, let’s start here. I guess at the point this story opens I’d been working for Perry for about… Ten months. And I’d been in love with him for I guess eleven months. I’m not really gay or anything. I tend to just hang around and then sometimes I kind of click with someone I guess. I clicked with Harmony, but I guess she didn’t click with me. It didn’t really work out. I don’t really want to talk about it right now. It’s not really important. But like, whatever, she kicked me out and I couch-surfed at a friend’s place till… Well, okay, like, I’m not one to turn to thievery like, as a first line of employment, but you try finding a job in LA that pays enough to live in a real house when you have a record and dropped out of high school. So my friend needed a decent locksmith and I’m not bad at that sort of thing, so I went along. Luckily, I wasn’t on the job he got caught on. Not so luckily, it meant his landlord evicted me. After yelling at me about the rent, of course. And he was this big Italian guy so I pretended I was Polish and had no English sir. Perry calls it my too-stupid-to-kill act. But he smiles when he says it. Well, usually. So that’s good, right?

 

Anyway, I ended up on Perry’s door-step. We hadn’t spoken in a couple months. I guess because he’d got wind of who I was staying with. He was out when I showed up, so I just sort of waited till he came home with this tall, blond surfer-type, all muscle and blond beard. He looked like a douche.

“Harry, how long have you been here?” Perry sounded exasperated but not surprised.

“Oh, a couple hours.”

He gave me a look.

“Well, maybe four or five… Look, it’s not important. I got evicted.” I stood up and tried to hide the cigarette butt I’d stubbed out on the gravel.

“Yeah, I saw your little pal got caught. Lucky for you.”

“Hey, uh…” Surfer Guy looked confused. “Who is this?”

“A… A friend.” Perry replied, not taking his eyes off me.

Surfer Dude still looked confused. Perry sighed and pulled out his keys. “Let’s go in, shall we?”

Surfer Dude kept staring at me, so I followed Perry into the kitchen. “Who is that guy? He doesn’t seem you know, very bright…”

“That's rich, coming from you. He’s not here for a critical analysis of Moliere, sport.” Perry grabbed a couple beers.

“Why would he be -- Oh.”

“Yeah. Congrats on the cock-block.” He clapped me on the shoulder.

I managed about a minute and a half in the door of the front room before deciding that I really needed a cigarette. I found a linen closet (do people even still use linen closets?) and a huge-ass bathroom before I made it out the front door. I sat on the step and smoked half a pack of cigarettes before Surfer Dude came out of the house. He stepped over me, still looking confused. Perry followed him out.

“Safe to come in now chief.”

“I wasn’t hiding.” I stood up.

“Sure you weren’t. You can stay on my couch. One night.”

 

One night sort of became several, and then Perry put me in the spare-room and told me I had to pay rent. And then I sort of ended up working with him on this case where he apparently needed someone ‘harmless’. All I know is one moment I was standing on a street corner and the next moment this well-to-do guy came up and said, “Much better. Tell Luigi I’ll want you again.”

“What?” But he was already leading me down this alley and then he grabbed my ass and shoved me against the wall and I was intensely not-okay with this, like, rude much? So I was trying to get him off me and suddenly Perry grabbed him and pulled him away.

“This is where you are?” he yelled at me.

“W-what?”

“I told you, if I ever caught you doing this shit again—” He shook me. The other guy had disappeared. Perry dropped me. “Nice work.” And he just walked off. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Some strange guy had just grabbed my junk. No one had said anything about anyone’s junk being grabbed, willingly or otherwise. As soon as I could figure out how to say that in a way that didn’t sound completely ridiculous, I was going to be really, really pissed off.

I finally found my voice in the car. It made up for it’s absence by being really loud, and very, seriously mad.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Look, sorry chief. I knew he was meeting guys, but I thought it was drugs. Really.”

“Yeah, whatever. Is this how you get your kicks?” I glared out the window. I was going to kick his queer ass all the way round LA. Twice.

“No, really. But hey, I got the photos I needed. So well done.”

 

After that there were a bunch of other little decoy roles, and then I started taking notes at meetings and phone calls and shit. I mean, I completely rearranged the filing system so it made sense. Also ‘cause I figure if Perry doesn’t know where anything is, he won’t fire me. Well, for real. He tells me I’m fired all the time. I usually wait till he’s cooled off and bring him donuts. The best defence is a donut. Or a lawyer, I guess. Although having had a lawyer before -- several, in fact -- I’d have preferred the donut.

 

Uh. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I kind of fell in love with my boss, landlord, and best friend, which is like, the perfect trifecta of bad choices of people to fall for. It’s not like it’s something I planned though. I just, I dunno, I was just sitting there one day and it was like when you feel a cold coming on except instead of a tickle in your throat and sneezing you get an ache in your chest like someone poked you right in the heart and a really awkward semi when they walk past. Mostly I tried not to think about it and sat with my legs crossed. I mean, it was a really bad idea right? Perry says that’s never stopped me before but he can go eat a… He can think something else because you don’t have to watch much daytime TV to realise it was never going to end well.

 

So anyway, in the meantime Perry had some dates and so did I. LA is full of pretty girls who really get off on the whole private eye thing. But I dunno. I didn’t click with any of them. And me and Perry, we were buddies. I mean, he could be really unreasonable about really dumb things like sticky-tack on the walls and the fact that I don’t own a comb. But we drank coffee from the same pot, vied with Perry’s stupid cat for attention and argued over who lost the remote. (I always put it back so I think it’s the cat trying to cause friction.) And whenever Perry tossed me out, I bought pie and stood outside posting it through the cat-door till he let me in. And I dunno. He never seemed interested like that, I don’t think, anyway. Perry’s not the emotional type. Seriously, he’s like, the original stoic. I’ve got better chances of finding the inner thoughts of a brick wall than the details of his private life.

 

But yeah, I should tell you about the meat-locker. We were on a case, obviously. Why else would we be sneaking around in a slaughterhouse in the middle of the night? It was drafty and damp, the smell of industrial cleaner mixing with an undercurrent of blood and shit. Perry had slipped off to find some papers in some desk. I dunno. A lot of our cases are really, really boring, and Perry likes to do most of the work. Well, okay, I guess letting a convicted felon ride shotgun is pretty shaky, legally. If anyone ever found out, anyway. So anyway, I got us in, never mind how, and Perry told me to keep an eye out. It was really cold, and Perry’s forbade me smoking on missions. He said I didn’t even look cool, and when I pointed out I only ever smoked if I didn’t think anyone was coming, he threw a packet of Nicorette at my head. So I shuffled my favourite deck of cards, but the happy chicken on the wall was so pleased with everything I did it started to creep me out. I decided to find Perry.

 

It was dark inside. Moonlight filtered through high windows. I kept expecting, like, Jason or Beetlejuice to jump out at me.

“Uh, hello?” I said. I don’t know why, because I didn’t really want anything to say ‘hi’ back. Least of all the happy chicken. I couldn’t see Perry’s flashlight at all. Maybe he was outside getting pissed because it was the middle of winter and he had to hang around in a carpark. I started to make my way back to the side-door, already anticipating the lecture I was going to get. Then all the lights went on. That’s never a good thing. Like, ever. Seriously.

“Aw shit.” I hit the wall, flattening myself against it. Which was dumb because the whole place was white tile and scarred stainless steel and I was wearing a black jacket with a black beanie and black jeans. I could hear yelling and a metallic crash echoed through the building.

“Aw shit.” I flung myself towards the sound, which was separating out into the sounds of a brawl. I turned the corner on a big sawing thing and saw two really big guys holding Perry limp between them. A third guy, who I recognised from the file I’d put together on the case, was watching the action with his arms folded. I pulled out my phone and snapped a few shots-- Perry would kill me if I didn’t. Like I said, unreasonable. Anyway. I was watching, and they opened the meat-locker and tossed Perry in. Then they shut the door and walked off.

As soon as they turned the corner, I rushed out and heaved the big door open. Perry looked pissed when he saw me.

“You idiot--” he began.

“Told you it would work.” It was the boss guy. I think his name was... Cecil? Cecil something.

“What?” I looked at him, confused.

“Locking your buddy in the fridge. Did you really think I’d leave a guy in there? What do you think this is, Superman? Grab ‘im, boys.”

The thugs patted me down. One of them found my phone and crunched it under the heel of his shoe. When I tried to protest, Perry poked me. I rubbed my rib, glaring. He glared right back. Asshole.

“I think you should both leave now,” Cecil told us, conversationally. “Boys?” He snapped his fingers and the goons put us in the back of Perry’s car. But instead of driving us into town, they took us out to BFE whereverthefuck, stopping by a lake.

“What are we doing here?” I demanded, since Perry seemed resigned to the whole deal. In retrospect, he probably just had a really good idea of what was coming.

“We’re making sure you can’t get back into town and cause trouble.” The asshole had Perry’s car-keys and I could see what he meant to do. He’d chuck them in the lake and me and Perry’d have to wait to be picked up. By then, Cecil would have cleared out the slaughterhouse. I grabbed for the keys. the guy was quite a lot taller than me so I scrabbled for a hold on his shins, trying to clamber up his chest.

“Jesus Christ...” The big guy flailed, and his buddy grabbed me. I put up a fight but one of them clocked me on the head and I went limp. It seemed like the safest thing to do. The second tough was bleeding where I’d caught him in the mouth with my elbow. He wiped the blood and stared at me, furious.

“Alright guys, that’s enough.” Perry stepped forward.

“Save it.” Cecil’s man dragged me down to the water’s edge. “You want the keys so bad? Go fetch!” He tossed the keys. I followed, hitting the water in a painful belly-flop. I splashed about, disoriented, finally managing to stand up in waist-deep water. The two guys laughed. One of them tossed another thing into the water and they sauntered off. Perry folded his arms as their car started.

“Get out of the water, asshole.”

“Bite me,” I muttered. I was basically the most miserable I’d ever been ever. It couldn’t have been any worse. Well, maybe if there was like, sharks or piranhas or something.

“You look like a drowned rat.”

“Gee, thanks. At least I was trying to do something.” I sat on the ground when I got back to shore. I was soaked through.

“Well, if you wanted to go skinny-dipping you were doing it wrong.” Perry was fiddling with the underside of his car. I decided I wasn’t talking to him any more. He can be such a bitch.

“What are you doing?” I asked, watching him.

“This.” Perry straightened up. He had one of those little black boxes stupid people put on the undersides of their car. You know, you put spare keys and money in them to save a burglar the trouble of picking your lock.

“The keys are going to be fairly useless...”

“Why?” The wind was starting to get bitter, whistling through my wet jacket. I drew my legs up.

“Bastards threw the distributor cap in the lake.” Perry’s black box also had a Tracfone in it.

“Who you gonna call?” I was starting to shiver, but there didn’t seem to be much point in bitching.

“Ghostbusters.” Perry was waiting for the phone to wake up, leaning on the car.

“Really?”

“No. Don’t be stupid. I’m calling a tow-truck.”

I just nodded. I was really frigging cold. Perry stepped away from the light of the road to make the phone call, walking into the trees where he couldn’t be seen from the road. I took my beanie off and squeezed water out of it. It didn’t help. I put it back on. That made it worse.

“Are you going to sulk there all night?”

“Sh--shut up.” The wind picked up, moaning through the trees.

“Come on, get up.” Perry hauled me up from the ground. He smelled like pine resin and aftershave. I liked it.

“You should be a lumberjack.” I told him. I was so cold parts of my brain had frozen over.

“What? No, never mind.” He undid my jacket and pulled it off me.

“Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Okay, it wasn’t like I hadn’t had this sort of fantasy before but this was hardly what I thought it would be like.

“Well, unless you want hypothermia...” My jacket hit the ground with a wet slap. I shivered violently and Perry opened the boot of the car.

“Where the hell are all the towels?” He wheeled on me.

“What?”

“Towels, dingus. I told you to put them in the car.”

“No you didn’t, you said to wash them--”

“And then put them in the car! Christ...” Perry put his hands on his hips.

“You look like my mother.” I shivered again. It seemed to start in my stomach and jack-knife through my body.

“If I was your mother I would have died of shame.” Perry pulled his jacket off and wrapped it around me. Sometimes I forget what a big dude he is. The coat fell over me in folds. It was warm and smelled like home.

“In the car.” Perry opened the door. “I’d take those jeans off as well.”

I stopped trying to find my fingers in the sleeves of the jacket.

“Seriously? Is that how you get to third base with all your dates? Pervert.”

“Fine, hypothermia it is you stubborn closet--”

“Hey, enough with the closeted.” I didn’t take the jeans off though. Looking back, I don’t know why. Wet jeans are terrible.

“Whatever.” Perry got in the car. I stood outside in a jacket almost down to my knees and wet jeans. I was shuddering with cold. Perry opened the passenger door from the inside.

“Get in, idiot.”

I got in. Sometimes pride has to take a back-seat to not losing more fingers.

 

We sat in silence for quite a while. To me it felt thick and kind of heavy, like it needed to be broken or we would be suffocated in it. That’s my excuse anyway.

“Perry, uhm...”

“No, Santa isn’t real, neither is the Tooth Fairy, and those noises you heard last night were not Daddy hurting Mommy, because Daddy had the late shift at work.”

“Don’t be a schmuck.” We sat in more silence for a while. I probably should have left it there. But fuck it, I was on a roll.

“Look, Perry...”

“What is it now? I’m trying to nap.”

I growled with impatience.

“If you’d just let me speak...”

“No, you can’t keep the jacket. You have enough clothes that make you look like Oliver Twist raided GQ.”

“No, look, shut up will you? For crying in the sink, Perry...”

“Take the hint, will you? I don’t want to hear it.”

There was a moment of stunned and awkward silence.

“What do you mean you don’t wanna hear it?” I asked, finally.

“Oh come on Harry, the only way you could have been more obvious is if you humped my leg whilst holding a red rose. Of course I know. I was hoping you’d get over it.”

“You don’t feel the same way,” I said, flatly. I felt pretty flat. Like someone was squeezing all the blood out of my heart. It sucked. It sucked a lot. Perry didn’t answer. I hunched up in the coat. The last time I’d felt this kind of bad, I was standing on the door-step of Harmony’s condo in the rain.

“I’ve never lived with anyone before.” Perry didn’t look at me.

“What?”

“I mean, I lived with my mother, and I had my own room at college, and then my mother left me some money to set up in LA, so you’re the first person I’ve legitimately shared a house with.”

“So you’re saying like, knowing someone really well means you end up hating them?” I sounded bitter. To hell with it. I was fed up with getting stomped on.

“Well, that’s what I thought. Like, I’d have you in the house for two weeks before I wanted to put you in the garbage disposal. But it wasn’t like that.”

I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure that breaking Perry off at this point would result in another dunk in the river. I’m not saying that the guy is unnecessarily violent or anything, but he can be... Definite. Anyway, even though I was still pissed as hell, I kept my mouth shut. Who says I never learn?

“I don’t have many people I trust, either. So I figure, why ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had with something like sex?”

“So you do feel the same way.” A damp little butterfly of hope rose in my chest.

“No, idiot. Listen to what I’m saying to you,” Perry snapped. The butterfly froze out of the air. I picked at the lining of the coat. I wasn’t sulking, really. I was listening. To Perry. As he ate my heart and laughed. The bastard.

“I’m saying that we’re both in the best relationship we’ve ever had. I’d trust you with about anything. Hell, I even miss you when you’re not there. All that Hallmark bullshit. But--” He raised his voice over mine. “But I think it’s perfect as it is. Adding sex would... It wouldn’t work.”

“Bullshit.” Perry looked at me, startled. So I kissed him. It seemed like the thing to do, which is why it annoyed me so much that it didn’t feel right. I mean, what kind of insane fucking deal was that?

“Goddamn it,” I growled. Perry had his poker face on. “No, you don’t do that face.” I was seriously pissed off that my gamble had tanked. “Not to me. Not now.”

Perry suddenly smiled. “You say that, and you still don’t get it. You’re so... Thick.”

Of course, I had nothing to say to that. I... I mean... Look, shut up. Point was, I was still wet, miserable,and confused. And Perry wasn’t helping. So I got out of the car.

 

Nothing clings quite like wet denim. Gritty, even when you haven’t been in a lake, and it generally feels like Gollum’s humping your leg. I walked up and down the shore, kicking pebbles. Or at least, they looked like pebbles. I may have been muttering. I tried to smoke a cigarette, but they were all soaked. I tried to skip stones, but they sank. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, trying to detail my thought process is pretty hard here. That’s what I never get about movies told in flashback and stuff, you know? I mean, how do you know exactly what some evil guy said to some henchman when no one else is in the room? Like, come on, right? How am I supposed to remember a whole like, twenty minutes of thinking, like, perfectly? It’d probably be really boring anyway, right? Like, just me rambling on and on... Finally I guess I came to some sort of conclusion ‘cause I got back in the car. My heart was pounding in my ears, and I felt a little sick. What I said next had to be said exactly right.

“You are a big, gay prick.” I told Perry.

“And you’re the worst kind of fag-hag.” His hand covered mine, briefly.

 

By the time the tow-truck showed up, it was dawn. I woke up with a snort.

“If you drooled on my jacket, you get to pay for the dry-cleaning.”

“Bite me.” I wiped at my mouth. “Anyway. I don’t drool.”

“Whatever you say, chief.” Perry got out of the car to greet the mechanic. A new day began.

 

I guess a bunch of you must be pretty annoyed by now. At least, that’s what Harmony told me when I showed this to her. She said it was a massive cock-tease ‘cause me and Perry didn’t actually together. But, I dunno. I mean, you can hardly define a functioning relationship by what me and Harmony do or don’t have. Like, when Perry’s gone, I find myself wandering from room to room like I’ve lost something. We fall asleep on the couch together, waking up at three am to stagger off to bed. I know all of Perry’s favourite take-out spots. He knows I don’t like the cashew nuts in the chow-mein. I mean, that’s pretty much what love is, as far as I can tell. We’re the same, but really different all at once. It’s good. And that’s all that matters, right?

Or what the fuck do I know? Maybe Harmony's right and I've just given everyone a massive case of blueballs with all this. Good. Jerking off to this’d be creepy anyway.


End file.
